A popular
saying about relationships is that “opposites attract”. But, is this really true? Do people really want to be with someone who
is totally opposite of them? Do people
prefer friends who are opposite of them? Do people prefer to marry someone opposite to
them? Or is the converse popular saying
true: “Birds of a feather flock together?”
In this paper, I will attempt to show that, in general, the statement and
sentiment that “opposites attract” is false and that in successful, happy
relationships there are usually strong similarities and common respect for the
others’ cherished attributes. These
issues are important to society as we all have the choice to decide who we will
spend our time with, who we will associate with, or who we marry.
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| Charles-Augustin de Coulomb with a magnet attraction diagram |
The popular
idea of opposites attracting could possibly be traced to publications from
Coulomb, a French physics in the 17th century. Coulombs’ publications form the foundations
of Coulomb's law which deal with electrical charges and magnetism. His publications show that like, or similar,
charges repel each other, while opposite charges attract each other (1788). This law is informally explored by many of us while
experimenting with magnets. Flat magnets
have two polar opposite sides: one positively charged and one negatively charged. As one moves two magnets together, there is
an invisible attracting or repulsing force depending on the polarization of the
ends that are moved. If a positive end
is placed near to a positive end, they will repulse each other, while if a
positive charge end is placed near a negative charge end the magnets will be
attracted to each other, or in other words the “opposites attract”. While “opposites attract” may be a very reliable and valid physics
principle, to apply it to interpersonal relationships is generally inaccurate.
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| "Aristotle with a Bust of Homer" Rembrandt van Rijn Oil on Canvas 153 |
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| Similarity preferences can be seen in simple things such as an individuals tend to have more same-sex friends than opposite-sex friends. Another example is that we tend to spend time with people of similar ideas such as entertainment and interests. |
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| An Example Confirmation Bias |
One may ask,
“If the saying that opposites attract is false, then how and why did it come
into being?” The answer could lie in how
we perceive people and attributes. Imagine you are an important business man and you
receive frequent phone calls, which have an equal chance of ringing during your
whole work day. When the phone rings you
generally answer it. However,
occasionally while you are on the phone with someone, you receive a second phone
call that you must either ignore or put your current conversation on hold to
answer. You complain to your secretary
and hypothesize that you spend more time juggling several conversations at once
than you do talking to just one person. You conclude it is more likely that
someone will call you while you are already in a conversation on your phone than
not. In reality, this is not true; you
receive more phone calls while you are not already on your phone. However, rarely if ever do you think to
yourself at these times, “Someone called me when I am not talking to anyone
else on the phone, and this is evidence that my hypothesis is incorrect”. In contrast, when you are already on the
phone with someone else and you receive another incoming phone call, you often
say to yourself, “This is evidence that my hypothesis is correct.”
We, as humans, pay more attention to unusual events
and stimuli while giving less attention to usual or perceived mundane events
and stimuli. This Phenomenon is called Availability Heuristic (Tversky, & Kahneman, 1973). We also give selective
attention to the evidence that supports our ideas and hypotheses while ignoring
contrary evidence. This phenomenon is
called confirmation bias (Dawson, 2000; Gurmankin et al. 2002; Gambrill, 2005; Klayman,
1995; Nickerson, 1998).
In relation to attraction, when we see two friends
or a romantic couple with strikingly different characteristics from each other,
we often pay more attention to them than to others with no apparent striking
differences, even if they are in the minority.
As we examine dissimilar groups and see a striking difference, we seldom
think of all the similarities which they have to each other. Instead, we focus only on their differences,
thus providing excellent conditions for a confirmation bias, as we choose to
ignore much of the contrary evidence.
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| After reviewing these pictures I formally recant my above statements and conclusions. Perhaps opposites do attract. |
